It's been a while since I've given a progress report on life after the mugging. Somehow mugging sounds like it should be a little funny, so I'll say it was a robbery assault, because it reflects much better what it really was. That event of course, was followed almost immediately by the loss of homes by neighbours a block away when the city decided to close their building for not having been properly maintained. This is when I learned the local residents association (note these do not include anyone who might be renting their home) was on the warpath against any building they deemed a nuisance because it was a lower sort of person living there and the police had to be called when things got loud. They chucked us all in together instead of focusing on dealing with being good neighbours they instead became spies and complainers with the city on speed dial. The city is looking for additional space to develop before the Olympics so our neighbourhood is prime for that sort of development. It would increase the property value of the "residents" if we were moved out and something more upscale replaced our aging building.

We were given a rather nasty notice with the word "eviction" prominently placed. I'd already had the conversation of "what if" with my social worker, who assured me there was indeed no place to go other than a room with shared bath if I was lucky. I lived in fear. We all did. I never had the chance to deal with how violated I felt being mugge4d because I had bigger fish to fry. There was an inspection by the city, they brought along a small group of people who we were told we had to give access to. The group included cops with guns, and we felt appropriately intimidated. Afterward we were told nothing. Our building manager was replaced, which truly sucks because she is a lovely lady, who worked day and night to keep the building going on a very small budget. I feel horrible for her. I don't know the new manager, his name appears on the notice but I've not met. We've kept on looking for alternative housing"just in case" but are coming up empty. For now, it seems we will be able to stay here, but by no means can we feel secure.

Meanwhile I've tried to walk through all the forms to replace ID and to apply for victim's assistance, which clearly states it does not replace stolen items, just any counselling you might need. Frankly I needed help with replacing lost items and broken items such as my shopping buggy, but no, no-one was going to help me with that. I did go back to welfare as the cops suggested but they were not moved to do anything to help me out beyond a 20 dollar crisis grant, by cheque two weeks later (incidentally, I never did receive it at all).. Of course this illness is not forgiving with events such as these. I short circuit once there is more to be done by me than I have energy for. So I would sit and rock back and forth and be utterly locked in place unable to function. MY appetite was non-existent and sleep rare. The day of the apartment inspection, as if I didn't feel rotten enough, my recliner, the one place I could always feel comfortable, well it, was old when I got it, it gave out, just plain folded in on itself, metal had torn from exhaustion. I rocked back and forth some more, with what else, what now?

As horrifying as it all was, in bits and thanks to friends and family coming through for me, all came to normalise without further insult. I now have another chair, perfect for in front of the computer, I have a valid Dutch passport and most of my other ID has been replaced. I have a bus pass so I can travel at will again and I have a new buggy, sturdier than the old one and taller. The reading glasses have been replaced, the wallet, the purse. I got a vest with a pocket which fits a wallet so I don't have to take a purse to the store with me. Now I need to work on feeling safe again. Not just when going out by myself, but feeling as if something bad is destined to happen, I wake up expecting bad news and I want that to stop. The worst of it is that I feel so utterly powerless, at the mercy of anyone who decides to meddle and make my life more difficult.

Energy goes down rapidly when bad things happen and they don't come back easily. Yesterday was the first shower I took in weeks. The rest had all been birdbaths as it was all I had energy for. I dressed up on Sunday to my Xs birthday party, previous days I had just schlepped around in whatever I could find that offered coverage and comfort. Food had to come in ready made bits, but this week I am able to manage things such as eggs and toast. Still lots to do, mailing out some more of those forms, having the tooth fixed that broke a few weeks back during one of those face contorting spasms. MY granddaughter took photos of me this Sunday, they are being destroyed, the weeks really show, and one side of my face is all droopy and the other very heavily lined and sunken, really alarming how much change over so little time. It can be undone, I've been there before, when nothing looked possible. Last week I really thought the only option left was to just given in to lying down and taking each day as it comes, damn the fight I can't win in any case.

Now that attitude seems self indulgent, and I've moved past self pity, because it became more than a little clear that I have friends, most of whom I have yet to meet in person, who believe I can get up and can make a difference. So again today, I dressed up to go to the store, I did the dishes in the sink and watered my much neglected houseplants. Tomorrow my tooth will be repaired and once the antibiotics kick in much of my sagging energy should return. I keep looking at my passport, finally I don't have to feel locked into always and forever being here. I might just cross the border on my birthday like I used to, at least I can. I have again the paperwork to say again that I exist, who knows where life takes us, but it is easier with a valid passport.

Well, should see about a meal of some sort. Gotta dig up some big socks it is getting cold and my feet are turning blue, typing isn't enough body movement to keep blood flowing.